Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
