She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize