This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
