I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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