You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
