Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
