Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
