the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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