if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
