Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
