He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
