I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
