Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
