im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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