I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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