textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Terrible idea I love it
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
