I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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