my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
try to milk me bitch
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