Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
