Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
