i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
