He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
