so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
