omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
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