I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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