i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
