in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...