She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
