I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Randomize
