shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
