i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
