I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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