Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
