I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
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I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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