my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
