How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
