If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
