i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
