my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
