i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You can't special order awesome
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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