You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
