I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
