i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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