god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You made out with two different species that night
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
