i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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