Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
