Non-Jews are for practice
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
