ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
