I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
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He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
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A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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