he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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