She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
