my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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