I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
