You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Randomize
