Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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