She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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