thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Randomize
