It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Sober January is a disaster.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
