i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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