WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
