This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
